THE HARSH STARTUP

​It’s hard to believe that with 96% accuracy you can predict where a relationship or marriage will end up after only 3 minutes into the conversation.

Most couples, when discussing an issue that involves differences in aims or values, will discuss it in a civil manner.

But those couples who engage in what might be described as a HARSH STARTUP to the disagreement, predictably and unwittingly initiate the downward spiral in their relationship and in most cases, in divorce.

Dr. John Gottman, probably the most renowned researcher on relationships, discovered through extensive research that how the first 3 minutes of a couple’s conversation goes will determine the eventual outcome of their relationship. The HARSH STARTUP happens when the couple immediately start casting aspersions or blame toward their partner, instead of the more civil, objective, and gentle approach of it being issue-oriented instead of blame-oriented.

A harsh startup happens when a difficult conversation begins with criticism, sarcasm, or hostility instead of gentleness, curiosity, or openness. In other words, instead of saying something like:
“I’d like to talk about how we divide chores—I’m feeling a little overwhelmed,”
a harsh startup might sound like:
“You never lift a finger around here, and I’m sick of it!”

–or–

“You never listen to me. You’re always wrapped up in your own world.”
This attacks the partner’s character (“never” and “always” are red-flag words) rather than addressing a specific issue. It makes the other person feel blamed instead of invited into dialogue.

“Nice of you to finally show up. I guess your time is more important than ours.”
On the surface it sounds like commentary about lateness, but the sarcasm drips with contempt, which Gottman identifies as the single strongest predictor of divorce.

“If you cared about me at all, you wouldn’t keep ignoring the housework. You’re so selfish.”
This harsh startup labels the partner as uncaring and selfish, assuming bad motives instead of describing the actual problem (“the housework is piling up”).

THE REMEDY:

The solution or “vaccination” to this common problem is to make a point of focusing on the ISSUE at hand and not the PARTNER. Focus on the ISSUE and not the BLAME.

Because, as they say, the proof is in the pudding. Gottman has interviewed and studied a gazillion marriages, and the science does not lie. The HARSH STARTUP unavoidably leads to the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of an impending divorce.

Don’t let criticism, sarcasm, stonewalling, and isolation creep into your marriage. Focus on the ISSUES and not the BLAME game–and in doing so, you will have a much much better crack at living together in marriage much longer than the average bear.