THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF AN IMPENDING DIVORCE

THE PATH TO DIVORCE CAN.BE.STOPPED!

​Some years have passed since the honeymoon. The vicissitudes of life and its routines have long buried whatever giggling and cajoling was ever present in the relationship that reminded you how fun it was to be married and that there was no one like you I’d rather be with for the rest of my life.

Then gradually you begin to taste the bitterness in the relationship, not realizing it came on like the proverbial frog in the slow-boiling water to the point that one day you wake up and turn to see him, or her, lying there, wondering how in the world it ever came to be that you were actually at one time in various sexual positions with this person–and enthralled with it.

The contrast between now, and then, is so stark, so alarming, and so unacceptable, that you realize that in the same way you know how you must vomit to feel better from the stomachache, that you must now seek out a lawyer in getting the divorce.

And you think: Could this have been prevented? Where did I, we, go astray?

The path to divorce traverses four stages, with their attending antidotes–according to the sound research of Dr. John Gottman.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and relationships, identified four destructive patterns of communication that often predict the end of a relationship if left unchecked. He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The good news is that each has a clear antidote. Let’s walk through each horseman, how it looks in everyday dialogue, and then how to replace it with something healthier.

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond voicing a complaint about a specific behavior. It attacks a partner’s character or personality.

Example of criticism:
“Why are you always so lazy? You never help me with anything around the house.”

The antidote: Gentle start-up
Instead of beginning with blame, focus on your feelings and the specific behavior.

Example of antidote:
“I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up. Could you help me load the dishwasher after dinner?”

Gentle start-ups invite cooperation. They keep the conversation focused on the issue rather than tearing down the person.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the most dangerous of the four. It shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, or treating your partner with disrespect. Contempt communicates that you see yourself as superior.

Example of contempt:
“Oh, great job, genius. You can’t even remember to pay a simple bill. How hard is that?”

The antidote: Build appreciation and respect
Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and speak from that place. Gratitude is a powerful disinfectant against contempt.

Example of antidote:
“I know you’ve had a lot on your plate lately. Could we set up a reminder system together so the bills don’t slip through the cracks?”

When partners nurture a culture of appreciation, contempt has little room to grow.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness often arises when we feel blamed. It is the reflex to deny responsibility, make excuses, or even fire back with counter-criticism. Unfortunately, defensiveness usually escalates conflict instead of solving it.

Example of defensiveness:
“It’s not my fault the laundry isn’t done. You never remind me, and I had a tough day at work.”

The antidote: Take responsibility
Even if you feel attacked, look for a small piece of truth you can own. Taking responsibility diffuses tension.

Example of antidote:
“You’re right, I forgot to switch the clothes over. I’ll go take care of that now.”

Responsibility is not about taking all the blame. It is about showing willingness to repair.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation completely. Instead of engaging, they shut down, give the silent treatment, or physically leave. Often this is a sign of feeling overwhelmed, but to the partner it looks like indifference.

Example of stonewalling:
(Partner asks a question. The other partner stares at the TV, arms crossed, and says nothing.)

The antidote: Self-soothing and re-engagement
It is okay to take a break when you are emotionally flooded, but communicate that you need it and commit to returning to the conversation.

Example of antidote:
“I’m starting to feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to shut down. Can we pause for 20 minutes, then come back and talk?”

This approach signals that the relationship is important and the conversation matters, but that you need a moment to calm down.

The Bird’s Eye View:

Every couple will encounter the Four Horsemen from time to time. The goal is not perfection. The goal is awareness and repair. When you recognize criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in yourself or your partner, see it as a signal. Then, reach for the antidote.

Think of it as practicing good hygiene for your relationship. Just as brushing your teeth daily prevents decay, practicing appreciation, responsibility, gentle start-ups, and self-soothing protects your relationship from erosion.

Healthy communication is not about avoiding conflict. It is about handling conflict in a way that deepens trust and connection. With practice, couples can transform even the harshest moments into opportunities for growth and intimacy.